Journal entry from an evening in Germany:
5 June 2011
Rain.
Today I went to "play in the rain." I ended up next to a pond in this little park around the corner from the Byers' place. I sat down and watched the drops splash while the ducks seemed not to be bothered by the water above them, but only concerned with the water below. I laid back for a moment in an effort to feel the rain on my face. This is what I noticed and what the Lord brought meaning to:
As much as I wanted to stay laying on my back it turned out to be less comfortable than I had imagined. With every drop that hit my eyelids I jumped; I breathed water into my nose a time or two. Needless to say, I ended up sitting back up slightly frustrated that I couldn't bask in the rain like I could in the sun or under the stars on a roof. As I sat up I began to notice that the water that hit my head ran down my face in little squiggles. Seeing and breathing were easy and I still got to enjoy the shower of rain.
[side note: I've noticed that when one tries to get out of the rain it seems to blur all vision and frustrate plans or pathways. However, when allowing oneself to surrender to the inevitability of wetness under the rain, the fog seems to lift and everything can be seen with a clarity unmatched even by the rays of our sun. Although the rain brings with it a rushing sound, everything else seems to stop and listen bringing a silence that stirs my soul. This quiet surrender has me sitting in awe and following suit.]
I saw the fireworks splashing on top of the water in rhythm with the created universe and with it life was being renewed. I think all of this relates to our relationship with God in so many ways. God rains down His grace, and consequently His glory, onto us for no other reason than because He is good.
He loves us because He is good.
He saves us because He is good.
He changes us into His Son's image because He is good.
And while He has given us a (good) desire to just lay back and gaze at the Source, we are currently lacking the ability to open our eyes and gaze on His face. That time is coming, and coming soon - but it's not now. So instead He has us look forward and He allows His grace to wash over our head and body while we view all that He is doing in front of us. He allows us to see all that He is affecting with His "rain" and lets us be a part of His redemptive plan on this earth. The clarity that the rain demands pierces the soul and eyes are opened to all the life and beauty that the Lord is "holding together by the power of His word." All of creation stands still and gladly accepts this rain, this life, this gift of God's presence.
So I just sat and saw and worshiped the Almighty. What a gift.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I need Thee every hour.
Here I am.
Writing.
I usually (meaning always) just write what is on my heart. I write what I'm learning and what I'm excited about. When I'm excited about something, it's not uncommon for almost everyone who is close to me to have heard about it. I tend to word vomit my excitement on others thinking that they will either a) be just as excited as me (because come on... who wouldn't be?) or b) at least be excited that I'm excited, because they love me (right?).
I haven't written much lately.
I haven't had a whole lot to say.
This is my honesty. I try to hide as little as possible from the people I love. I've had a lot hidden from me (good intentions are always married to things hidden) and I think I still hold resentment because of it. I'm working on it... My heart that is. I'm finding out more and more just how screwed up I am.
I hold bitterness towards people instead of forgiveness. (those words are plural - in case you missed that)
I don't trust the Lord with a plethora of things in my life.
There are things I cannot have that I want so badly I make myself hurt. (nobody freak out. The only scars I've got are from my appendix and when I cracked my head open)
I complain about being in a funk spiritually and then sit on my computer and watch Modern Family (which is hilarious by the way).
I go to worship nights and pray that I would feel His presence. I pray that He would show Himself to me. I pray that He would break me of myself that I might know Him.... and yet I feel nothing.
I read scripture and books about scripture and don't feel changed.
I want to want Jesus.
I don't really know how to fix that other than to pray for it.
So I'll continue to do that.
I'm selfish and impatient and knowing that about yourself sometimes makes it worse.
I have a fear of man that consumes my thoughts far too often.
I'm far too sensitive and extremely prideful.
Yet even in spite of all these things - I know Jesus is pursuing my heart. He doesn't love me any more or any less today than the day He saved me. He doesn't love me less today than He did when I was on the top of the mountain shouting to the world of His glory, or in my car weeping because of His grace. He won't love me any more or less ten years from now when I'm dealing with an entire different (or maybe the exact same) set of problems.
Even typing that is humbling for I know I don't deserve His affection.
I'm feeling pretty dry and numb tonight which is perhaps influencing my perception of these last few months. It hasn't all been this way. And because this post has been such a downer, I'll leave you with some encouragement.
Something the Lord HAS been teaching me is found in Ex. 14:14-15.
"The Lord will fight for you, you have only to be silent. Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why do you cry to Me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward.'"
Then the Lord parted the Red Sea and all of Israel was saved from the hands of the Egyptians.
So.... how does this apply to me/us/everyone? More than I ever thought.
The first verse is comforting; it's something to stand on when you are afraid or feel the tension of being transient. The second verse tests how much you believe the first. It calls you out on your lack of faith in who the Lord says He is. I say I believe that the Creator of Heaven and Earth, the Maker and Sustainer of everything that is, actually is who He claims to be - but do I really? If I did, wouldn't I "go forward" and trust that even though I am one against a thousand, it's not me that's fighting? He said He would take care of that for me- so why then do I still fear the thousand? Is not my God stronger than thousands of a thousand?
The Lord has used those two verses this semester to create obedience in my heart and my actions. They force me to check my heart and see what I really believe. They force me to loose my grip on what I claim as my own and recognize the falsehood of that statement. These are good things.
I am thankful to go through times like this because they show me how much I need Jesus. I need Him more than I will ever know this side of Heaven.
I need a lot of prayer and most of the time I'm too prideful to ask for it. That, or I don't want to burden people with my junk - which is a form of pride, I guess. So the first statement stands.
It's a lot easier to write about it than to look someone in the eye and say all these things.
I'm sorry if this isn't very encouraging to read, but I don't want to just write about the good stuff. That isn't life. Today I write what's real: The Lord is (always) good. I desperately need Him.
I end with a prayer by A.W. Tozer that captures my heart:
"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long."
Writing.
I usually (meaning always) just write what is on my heart. I write what I'm learning and what I'm excited about. When I'm excited about something, it's not uncommon for almost everyone who is close to me to have heard about it. I tend to word vomit my excitement on others thinking that they will either a) be just as excited as me (because come on... who wouldn't be?) or b) at least be excited that I'm excited, because they love me (right?).
I haven't written much lately.
I haven't had a whole lot to say.
This is my honesty. I try to hide as little as possible from the people I love. I've had a lot hidden from me (good intentions are always married to things hidden) and I think I still hold resentment because of it. I'm working on it... My heart that is. I'm finding out more and more just how screwed up I am.
I hold bitterness towards people instead of forgiveness. (those words are plural - in case you missed that)
I don't trust the Lord with a plethora of things in my life.
There are things I cannot have that I want so badly I make myself hurt. (nobody freak out. The only scars I've got are from my appendix and when I cracked my head open)
I complain about being in a funk spiritually and then sit on my computer and watch Modern Family (which is hilarious by the way).
I go to worship nights and pray that I would feel His presence. I pray that He would show Himself to me. I pray that He would break me of myself that I might know Him.... and yet I feel nothing.
I read scripture and books about scripture and don't feel changed.
I want to want Jesus.
I don't really know how to fix that other than to pray for it.
So I'll continue to do that.
I'm selfish and impatient and knowing that about yourself sometimes makes it worse.
I have a fear of man that consumes my thoughts far too often.
I'm far too sensitive and extremely prideful.
Yet even in spite of all these things - I know Jesus is pursuing my heart. He doesn't love me any more or any less today than the day He saved me. He doesn't love me less today than He did when I was on the top of the mountain shouting to the world of His glory, or in my car weeping because of His grace. He won't love me any more or less ten years from now when I'm dealing with an entire different (or maybe the exact same) set of problems.
Even typing that is humbling for I know I don't deserve His affection.
I'm feeling pretty dry and numb tonight which is perhaps influencing my perception of these last few months. It hasn't all been this way. And because this post has been such a downer, I'll leave you with some encouragement.
Something the Lord HAS been teaching me is found in Ex. 14:14-15.
"The Lord will fight for you, you have only to be silent. Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why do you cry to Me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward.'"
Then the Lord parted the Red Sea and all of Israel was saved from the hands of the Egyptians.
So.... how does this apply to me/us/everyone? More than I ever thought.
The first verse is comforting; it's something to stand on when you are afraid or feel the tension of being transient. The second verse tests how much you believe the first. It calls you out on your lack of faith in who the Lord says He is. I say I believe that the Creator of Heaven and Earth, the Maker and Sustainer of everything that is, actually is who He claims to be - but do I really? If I did, wouldn't I "go forward" and trust that even though I am one against a thousand, it's not me that's fighting? He said He would take care of that for me- so why then do I still fear the thousand? Is not my God stronger than thousands of a thousand?
The Lord has used those two verses this semester to create obedience in my heart and my actions. They force me to check my heart and see what I really believe. They force me to loose my grip on what I claim as my own and recognize the falsehood of that statement. These are good things.
I am thankful to go through times like this because they show me how much I need Jesus. I need Him more than I will ever know this side of Heaven.
I need a lot of prayer and most of the time I'm too prideful to ask for it. That, or I don't want to burden people with my junk - which is a form of pride, I guess. So the first statement stands.
It's a lot easier to write about it than to look someone in the eye and say all these things.
I'm sorry if this isn't very encouraging to read, but I don't want to just write about the good stuff. That isn't life. Today I write what's real: The Lord is (always) good. I desperately need Him.
I end with a prayer by A.W. Tozer that captures my heart:
"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long."
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
My wonderful brother sent this to me.
“Dance disappears almost at the moment of its manifestation. It is an extreme expression of the present, a perfect metaphor for life. Dancers sculpt space in real time, working inside a form that is constantly in a state of vanishing. We have no artifacts. I find it strangely beautiful to be creating something that is made of us – made of our breath and blood and bones and minds. Something that is made of the space we occupy and made of the space between us. We embody both the dance and its disappearance.”
- Crystal Pite
There is a fire in my bones for movement. This is beautiful. (Thanks, Luke.)
- Crystal Pite
There is a fire in my bones for movement. This is beautiful. (Thanks, Luke.)
Monday, November 8, 2010
Community. Communion. Commission.
Alright, so this post isn't exactly about my book. Sorry.
It's about my weekend in Dallas and what the Lord was teaching me. Legit enough for a post [in my opinion].
COMMUNITY:
Historically I've been the girl that loves adventures. Every time my family would move, rather than get upset about leaving, I would pump myself up for a new house, new neighbors, and new adventures. Seeing that my dad was in the Air Force, this happened about 12 times before I got to 5th grade. (By then we had settled in Houston cause my dad got a job with Continental Airlines. yes, I fly for free. Ask me to visit you... and I will.) I guess in the back of my mind I was a little jealous of those kids that had "life friends." These were those groups in highschool that had been a group since kindergarden. I thought it would be fun to be friends with the same people for so long - they would know you inside and out. So while I kind of wanted this, I was perfectly content with "new" things.
This has been true of my life until I moved to Jackson. Moving to here was the first time that I didn't feel this excitement of something new. I felt uprooted. Just as I had found my niche in Dallas and just as the Lord gifted me with this amazing group of people- here I go again. Moving. I knew it was from the Lord and I knew He was paving my way, I just didn't know why.
I love Dallas. (Dallas = people and church, not [necessarily] the city (though that green building stirs my affections for Jesus every time I see it). I probably talk about it way too much when people ask me where I'm from. A bunch of word vomit "Dallas..... Ghetto.... The Village.... Dallas!!!" usually follows that question. So in the words of Tracy, I repeat to myself, "calm it down. calm it down. calm. it. down." :]
Long introduction - all to say that this weekend the Lord gave me another picture of the Body and how He created it to function. I was sitting on a balcony outside a friends apartment (gorgeous day) and was journaling about my heart. Deep community. Community that does life with one another. Neighbors that love one another and serve one another. Making breakfast and drinking coffee in PJ's (or onesies). Staying up late talking about culture and life and how we incorporate that into our walk with the Lord. These things are beautiful. So... new development in my life (or maybe just a heart desire finally seeing the purpose, clarity, and purity that it was meant to be) I want roots. I'm not talking carrots and beets, I'm talking people.
I want to do life with people for longer than three years. I want what Chandler talks about: Having coffee and talking about life when you're 80 years old, with people you've known for 50-60 of those years, in a little cafe at 5 in the morning. (paraphrased)
This doesn't negate my desire to see the world and travel to foreign countries and have AMAZING adventures telling people about Jesus. It just means that I want a place that I come back to.
I'll pray to this end. You should too.
COMMUNION:
I've taken communion a lot in my life. Sometimes it's a bigger deal in my heart than other times. It's sad, but that's true. This weekend I got a new picture - or new revelation - about communion and what it was designed to be like.
"Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him." (John 6:56 ESV)
Connection!!! like a lightbulb. What have I been dwelling on lately? That verse in Jeremiah from a previous post. "Your words were found and I ate them, and they became to me a joy and the delight of my heart for I am called by Your name, O Lord, God of hosts." 15:16
I got to church in time for the worship (ending) of the first service, and then I went to all of the 11:15. I took communion twice. During the second service Brandon Barker was killing it with his message. Some of which goes into my "commission" section below. The Lord was just being really sweet to me and when communion came around I was asking Him for more depth in meaning when I took it. That I would better understand what I was doing and the significance of it.
As I was eating it, it felt like that moment in my car from my last post - declaring to the Lord how He is my pursuit. He is what I chase after. He is what fulfills me and what I want to consume me. He is what I want inside of me - so much so that I would eat His flesh and drink His blood (figuratively - cause that sounds so carnivorous/ cannibalistic). But this is the picture He is painting in John. I wanted the physical representation of the Lord abiding in me just as He declares that I abide in Him.
Tears don't always come when I have sweet moments with the Lord, but a good majority of the time it's true. This was one of those times. Sweet tears of awe and desire.
His body broken for us.
His blood shed for us.
The cup of the New Covenant.
I am the temple of God! The holy of holies - a place that one person, once a year, could enter and pray they don't get killed from it, because that was the place where the glory of the Lord rested, His presence - is in me. I have direct access to the Lord because of Jesus. WHAT?!!?! Do we even realize this? If we did I think our lives would look a lot different. I pray this is the case in my own life. I want to be changed.
Communion. Pray that the Lord would give you greater appreciation and understanding of what it is and what it means.
COMMISSION:
In light of my "wanting roots/ loving Dallas" conversation I had with Becky Lawson before church, she proceeded to speak truth into my life. Like she does. She told me that although Jackson [might seem like] a temporary place, ultimately I do not know what God has planned. So I am here until He tells me to leave. That might be when school is up - it might not be. And I should pray that the Lord gives me a heart for where I am. Conviction.
At the end of Barker's sermon, he was talking about how suffering produces transformation and that suffering is essential in the Christian life. From there we are called to proclaim the hope we have in Christ. Some are sent and some are called to stay, but both are from the Lord and are to be taken seriously.
So instead of [mostly] complaining about Jackson, I've decided that I'm going to live like I've been sent. Because I have.
The Lord spoke through Becky and confirmed that through Brandon. The Great Commission. Go. Make disciples. Alright, here I am. Let's do this.
What a fantastic weekend. :]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Other important things to note from the weekend.
- MUMFORD AND SONS
- I got to see Joshua Sims be the love of Jesus to a homeless man. Greatness.
- MUMFORD AND SONS
- Onesies.
- I watched a football game. (With D, cause she's great.)
- MUMFORD AND SONS
- Breakfast with Alison Luna at OPH - 7am.
- Didn't do hardly any homework.
- I got to sleep with Hoody. :]
- Walks with Paul Golangco make my heart happy.
- MUMFORD AND SONS
- Saw Brian Corrigan with a gun on his back. After he changed out of his onesie that is...
- MUMFORD AND SONS
legit.
-EDIT-
[3 seconds after I publish this I giggle at my "comm" title. I didn't really mean to do that, but it worked out. anyway - take away the "comm's" what is left?
UNITY - unity in the body of christ
UNION - a union with our Father and Savior
MISSION - be on mission.
maybe this is super obvious, but I got excited about it. So I wrote it down. Woot.]
-End of Edit-
It's about my weekend in Dallas and what the Lord was teaching me. Legit enough for a post [in my opinion].
COMMUNITY:
Historically I've been the girl that loves adventures. Every time my family would move, rather than get upset about leaving, I would pump myself up for a new house, new neighbors, and new adventures. Seeing that my dad was in the Air Force, this happened about 12 times before I got to 5th grade. (By then we had settled in Houston cause my dad got a job with Continental Airlines. yes, I fly for free. Ask me to visit you... and I will.) I guess in the back of my mind I was a little jealous of those kids that had "life friends." These were those groups in highschool that had been a group since kindergarden. I thought it would be fun to be friends with the same people for so long - they would know you inside and out. So while I kind of wanted this, I was perfectly content with "new" things.
This has been true of my life until I moved to Jackson. Moving to here was the first time that I didn't feel this excitement of something new. I felt uprooted. Just as I had found my niche in Dallas and just as the Lord gifted me with this amazing group of people- here I go again. Moving. I knew it was from the Lord and I knew He was paving my way, I just didn't know why.
I love Dallas. (Dallas = people and church, not [necessarily] the city (though that green building stirs my affections for Jesus every time I see it). I probably talk about it way too much when people ask me where I'm from. A bunch of word vomit "Dallas..... Ghetto.... The Village.... Dallas!!!" usually follows that question. So in the words of Tracy, I repeat to myself, "calm it down. calm it down. calm. it. down." :]
Long introduction - all to say that this weekend the Lord gave me another picture of the Body and how He created it to function. I was sitting on a balcony outside a friends apartment (gorgeous day) and was journaling about my heart. Deep community. Community that does life with one another. Neighbors that love one another and serve one another. Making breakfast and drinking coffee in PJ's (or onesies). Staying up late talking about culture and life and how we incorporate that into our walk with the Lord. These things are beautiful. So... new development in my life (or maybe just a heart desire finally seeing the purpose, clarity, and purity that it was meant to be) I want roots. I'm not talking carrots and beets, I'm talking people.
I want to do life with people for longer than three years. I want what Chandler talks about: Having coffee and talking about life when you're 80 years old, with people you've known for 50-60 of those years, in a little cafe at 5 in the morning. (paraphrased)
This doesn't negate my desire to see the world and travel to foreign countries and have AMAZING adventures telling people about Jesus. It just means that I want a place that I come back to.
I'll pray to this end. You should too.
COMMUNION:
I've taken communion a lot in my life. Sometimes it's a bigger deal in my heart than other times. It's sad, but that's true. This weekend I got a new picture - or new revelation - about communion and what it was designed to be like.
"Whoever feeds on my flesh and drinks my blood abides in me, and I in him." (John 6:56 ESV)
Connection!!! like a lightbulb. What have I been dwelling on lately? That verse in Jeremiah from a previous post. "Your words were found and I ate them, and they became to me a joy and the delight of my heart for I am called by Your name, O Lord, God of hosts." 15:16
I got to church in time for the worship (ending) of the first service, and then I went to all of the 11:15. I took communion twice. During the second service Brandon Barker was killing it with his message. Some of which goes into my "commission" section below. The Lord was just being really sweet to me and when communion came around I was asking Him for more depth in meaning when I took it. That I would better understand what I was doing and the significance of it.
As I was eating it, it felt like that moment in my car from my last post - declaring to the Lord how He is my pursuit. He is what I chase after. He is what fulfills me and what I want to consume me. He is what I want inside of me - so much so that I would eat His flesh and drink His blood (figuratively - cause that sounds so carnivorous/ cannibalistic). But this is the picture He is painting in John. I wanted the physical representation of the Lord abiding in me just as He declares that I abide in Him.
Tears don't always come when I have sweet moments with the Lord, but a good majority of the time it's true. This was one of those times. Sweet tears of awe and desire.
His body broken for us.
His blood shed for us.
The cup of the New Covenant.
I am the temple of God! The holy of holies - a place that one person, once a year, could enter and pray they don't get killed from it, because that was the place where the glory of the Lord rested, His presence - is in me. I have direct access to the Lord because of Jesus. WHAT?!!?! Do we even realize this? If we did I think our lives would look a lot different. I pray this is the case in my own life. I want to be changed.
Communion. Pray that the Lord would give you greater appreciation and understanding of what it is and what it means.
COMMISSION:
In light of my "wanting roots/ loving Dallas" conversation I had with Becky Lawson before church, she proceeded to speak truth into my life. Like she does. She told me that although Jackson [might seem like] a temporary place, ultimately I do not know what God has planned. So I am here until He tells me to leave. That might be when school is up - it might not be. And I should pray that the Lord gives me a heart for where I am. Conviction.
At the end of Barker's sermon, he was talking about how suffering produces transformation and that suffering is essential in the Christian life. From there we are called to proclaim the hope we have in Christ. Some are sent and some are called to stay, but both are from the Lord and are to be taken seriously.
So instead of [mostly] complaining about Jackson, I've decided that I'm going to live like I've been sent. Because I have.
The Lord spoke through Becky and confirmed that through Brandon. The Great Commission. Go. Make disciples. Alright, here I am. Let's do this.
What a fantastic weekend. :]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Other important things to note from the weekend.
- MUMFORD AND SONS
- I got to see Joshua Sims be the love of Jesus to a homeless man. Greatness.
- MUMFORD AND SONS
- Onesies.
- I watched a football game. (With D, cause she's great.)
- MUMFORD AND SONS
- Breakfast with Alison Luna at OPH - 7am.
- Didn't do hardly any homework.
- I got to sleep with Hoody. :]
- Walks with Paul Golangco make my heart happy.
- MUMFORD AND SONS
- Saw Brian Corrigan with a gun on his back. After he changed out of his onesie that is...
- MUMFORD AND SONS
legit.
-EDIT-
[3 seconds after I publish this I giggle at my "comm" title. I didn't really mean to do that, but it worked out. anyway - take away the "comm's" what is left?
UNITY - unity in the body of christ
UNION - a union with our Father and Savior
MISSION - be on mission.
maybe this is super obvious, but I got excited about it. So I wrote it down. Woot.]
-End of Edit-
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A Painful Sense of Urgency
I had a moment tonight. One of those moments you don't forget. One of those moments where you feel and see and taste the presence of the Lord. A tangible moment with a currently intangible God.
A gift. Grace. Nothing else.
It started with a moment of sin yesterday. It was put in my face and I had a very real conversation with myself/ the Lord about it. "Yes, Jesus I want you more than anything, but I don't see how doing this goes against that. Why can't I have you and this thing? If I say yes to this, I know that I'm saying you aren't ultimate in my life, but it doesn't feel like that's what I'm saying." And so on it went, eventually ending with my failure. I thought to myself, if I would choose this even while being fully aware and conscious of my decision... there must not be any hope for me. Grace has been abused. How can I plead with the Lord for forgiveness when I knowingly and willingly pursued something not pleasing to Him in front of His face? I made a mockery of my Lord and now I want forgiveness? Who's to say that I won't do this again? Make the same conscious decision to please myself instead of pleasing the Lord...
I was in such a funk after that. I didn't feel a whole lot cause I wasn't "worthy of weeping and asking for forgiveness" or whatever that means. So I continued to exist. Trying to forget about it and just get past it in the hopes that I wouldn't do it again - or would make the right decision next time. (All the while secretly praying that I would feel the weight of my sin so that I might have reason to choose Christ next time).
And then today for no reason at all, or perhaps every reason in the universe, the Lord gave me Himself like a waterfall of crashing grace. Undeserved. Unmerited. Favor of the Lord. His mercy overtook me and left me void of all words that could describe it.
This started in ballet class this afternoon. (I know, I know... more ballet. It's where I spend most of my time these days, so bear with me.) I was in class with my V-neck leotard on (and yes, this makes a difference) and I decided that I didn't want to waste a single second of class. I pushed myself to think about all of the corrections I'd been given this semester and try to apply them in my body. I was sweating by the first combination. Score. By the end of class I was drenched and it felt so wonderful - I had this urgency to actually be good in Ballet. Something I haven't really wanted before because I knew it wasn't possible for my body (or something like that). Then I asked my teacher if I could take her class right before mine every once in a while so I could take 2 in row. I thought, if I could take a ballet class right after this one, I'd be warm and on my leg and ready to really apply everything I'm learning. If you know me at all... this is a pretty crazy thought knowing that I already take ballet 5 days a week. When I asked her this she simply said, "yes" with a look on her face like she expected the question from me. Or hoped I would ask. Not a cheesy smile by any means... just a look. Very simple. It was encouraging.
Then I had a note on our dance board saying I had something in the office that I needed to pick up. I was naturally confused and started thinking about all the things I could have possibly left behind that had my name attached. Nothing came to mind. It was a bag and for fear of it being some random embarrassing clothing item I waited to check till I was not in front of the guy who gave it to me. So I walk outside and it was sprinkling. Little bits of rain hitting my face and my body. I felt the eternal goodness of Jesus in that rain. Silly as it might be.
So I go home with a glad heart not even thinking about my sin of the day before. I open the bag and there are 3 Belhaven approved leotards in there!!! They all fit. Seriously?? I got so giddy about how the Lord was showing Himself to me that I couldn't help but smile and sing and enjoy my dinner break before class.
So I get ready and get in my car for my Old Testament night class and the song, How Great is Our God pops in my head. (The sky after a thunderstorm is so so so beautiful. Saw this as I left my house.) I have this really long playlist of live recordings of worship songs from The Village and I really love listening to them. It connects me to not only to the Lord but also to my Dallas Family that I'm in love with.
When I hit play I secretly thought, Jesus... it'd be really cool if this song was first. I turn it on and no, it wasn't first. But... it was second. :] So I sang as loudly as I could and didn't get out of my car till the song was over. Walking to class I just kept singing it and singing it. The Lord was preparing my heart for this evening.
Nothing epic happened in Old Testament. It was a normal 3 hour lecture class. Long.
On the way home I was expecting. I hit play and the next song was "So High" by Jeff Johnson. I pulled into my apartment and again I just sat. The words of that song hit me so hard. I played it at least 4 times before letting the playlist continue on. I began to weep. Almost uncontrollably. I didn't want to go inside because I thought that if I went inside I was leaving this intimacy I was experiencing with the Lord. So I just wept and asked Him if I could stay for a while. (Maybe a silly question, but I needed to hear Him answer. I needed to know how much He wanted to meet with me. I knew.) He said yes, Daughter, be with Me. So I stayed. The Lord was mighty and intimate and loving and active and vocal and pictorial and consuming and purging and more things than I could ever give words to. These lyrics were written on my heart.
Hear my spirit groan in me
A painful sense of urgency
To tell You that You are to me
So High
(Oh, these are just words. And are not enough, to contain You. Oh, these are just words. And are not enough, to acclaim You. Father, just words. And I have so few. I run out too fast, to speak them to you. You are indescribable, You are beyond expression. I run out of words for you. I can't think that high.)
I say all these things because these are the only words I have. I can build up to this moment and I can give you background for what my heart was going through to ready me, but you weren't there. And I can't explain it. It was intimacy between the Lord and I - and I'm okay that it stays that way. Matt Chandler quoted someone years back (I need to look up who it was that said this - if you know, feel free to tell me.) This man said that he experienced such intimate moments with the Lord that he was ashamed to speak of them. That was tonight. It was the fulfillment or climax of so many things that I've been praying for (or praying for a desire for). He is good. My heart knows this very well.
Press in. He's worth it.
A gift. Grace. Nothing else.
It started with a moment of sin yesterday. It was put in my face and I had a very real conversation with myself/ the Lord about it. "Yes, Jesus I want you more than anything, but I don't see how doing this goes against that. Why can't I have you and this thing? If I say yes to this, I know that I'm saying you aren't ultimate in my life, but it doesn't feel like that's what I'm saying." And so on it went, eventually ending with my failure. I thought to myself, if I would choose this even while being fully aware and conscious of my decision... there must not be any hope for me. Grace has been abused. How can I plead with the Lord for forgiveness when I knowingly and willingly pursued something not pleasing to Him in front of His face? I made a mockery of my Lord and now I want forgiveness? Who's to say that I won't do this again? Make the same conscious decision to please myself instead of pleasing the Lord...
I was in such a funk after that. I didn't feel a whole lot cause I wasn't "worthy of weeping and asking for forgiveness" or whatever that means. So I continued to exist. Trying to forget about it and just get past it in the hopes that I wouldn't do it again - or would make the right decision next time. (All the while secretly praying that I would feel the weight of my sin so that I might have reason to choose Christ next time).
And then today for no reason at all, or perhaps every reason in the universe, the Lord gave me Himself like a waterfall of crashing grace. Undeserved. Unmerited. Favor of the Lord. His mercy overtook me and left me void of all words that could describe it.
This started in ballet class this afternoon. (I know, I know... more ballet. It's where I spend most of my time these days, so bear with me.) I was in class with my V-neck leotard on (and yes, this makes a difference) and I decided that I didn't want to waste a single second of class. I pushed myself to think about all of the corrections I'd been given this semester and try to apply them in my body. I was sweating by the first combination. Score. By the end of class I was drenched and it felt so wonderful - I had this urgency to actually be good in Ballet. Something I haven't really wanted before because I knew it wasn't possible for my body (or something like that). Then I asked my teacher if I could take her class right before mine every once in a while so I could take 2 in row. I thought, if I could take a ballet class right after this one, I'd be warm and on my leg and ready to really apply everything I'm learning. If you know me at all... this is a pretty crazy thought knowing that I already take ballet 5 days a week. When I asked her this she simply said, "yes" with a look on her face like she expected the question from me. Or hoped I would ask. Not a cheesy smile by any means... just a look. Very simple. It was encouraging.
Then I had a note on our dance board saying I had something in the office that I needed to pick up. I was naturally confused and started thinking about all the things I could have possibly left behind that had my name attached. Nothing came to mind. It was a bag and for fear of it being some random embarrassing clothing item I waited to check till I was not in front of the guy who gave it to me. So I walk outside and it was sprinkling. Little bits of rain hitting my face and my body. I felt the eternal goodness of Jesus in that rain. Silly as it might be.
So I go home with a glad heart not even thinking about my sin of the day before. I open the bag and there are 3 Belhaven approved leotards in there!!! They all fit. Seriously?? I got so giddy about how the Lord was showing Himself to me that I couldn't help but smile and sing and enjoy my dinner break before class.
So I get ready and get in my car for my Old Testament night class and the song, How Great is Our God pops in my head. (The sky after a thunderstorm is so so so beautiful. Saw this as I left my house.) I have this really long playlist of live recordings of worship songs from The Village and I really love listening to them. It connects me to not only to the Lord but also to my Dallas Family that I'm in love with.
When I hit play I secretly thought, Jesus... it'd be really cool if this song was first. I turn it on and no, it wasn't first. But... it was second. :] So I sang as loudly as I could and didn't get out of my car till the song was over. Walking to class I just kept singing it and singing it. The Lord was preparing my heart for this evening.
Nothing epic happened in Old Testament. It was a normal 3 hour lecture class. Long.
On the way home I was expecting. I hit play and the next song was "So High" by Jeff Johnson. I pulled into my apartment and again I just sat. The words of that song hit me so hard. I played it at least 4 times before letting the playlist continue on. I began to weep. Almost uncontrollably. I didn't want to go inside because I thought that if I went inside I was leaving this intimacy I was experiencing with the Lord. So I just wept and asked Him if I could stay for a while. (Maybe a silly question, but I needed to hear Him answer. I needed to know how much He wanted to meet with me. I knew.) He said yes, Daughter, be with Me. So I stayed. The Lord was mighty and intimate and loving and active and vocal and pictorial and consuming and purging and more things than I could ever give words to. These lyrics were written on my heart.
Hear my spirit groan in me
A painful sense of urgency
To tell You that You are to me
So High
(Oh, these are just words. And are not enough, to contain You. Oh, these are just words. And are not enough, to acclaim You. Father, just words. And I have so few. I run out too fast, to speak them to you. You are indescribable, You are beyond expression. I run out of words for you. I can't think that high.)
I say all these things because these are the only words I have. I can build up to this moment and I can give you background for what my heart was going through to ready me, but you weren't there. And I can't explain it. It was intimacy between the Lord and I - and I'm okay that it stays that way. Matt Chandler quoted someone years back (I need to look up who it was that said this - if you know, feel free to tell me.) This man said that he experienced such intimate moments with the Lord that he was ashamed to speak of them. That was tonight. It was the fulfillment or climax of so many things that I've been praying for (or praying for a desire for). He is good. My heart knows this very well.
Press in. He's worth it.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Quotes. Read them.
"Superficiality is the curse of our age."
"Joy is the keynote of all the Disciplines."
"The primary requirement is a longing after God."
"When we genuinely believe that inner transformation is God's work and not ours, we can put to rest our passion to set others straight."
"Our world is hungry for genuinely changed people."
"Christian meditation, very simply, is the ability to hear God's voice and obey his word."
"But God continued to reach out to his rebellious children, and in stories of such persons as Cain, Abel, Noah, and Abraham we see God speaking and acting, teaching and guiding."
"He declared that he was the good Shepherd and that his sheep know his voice (John 10:4)."
"He is resurrected and at work in our world. He is not idle, nor has he developed laryngitis."
"Eastern meditation is an attempt to empty the mind; Christian meditation is an attempt to fill the mind."
"But there is a danger in thinking only in terms of detachment as Jesus indicates in his story of the man who had been emptied of evil but not filled with good. 'When the unclean spirit has gone out of a man . . . he goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than the himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first' (Luke 11:24-26). No, detachment is not enough; we must go on to attachment."
"Meditation has no point and no reality unless it is firmly rooted in life."
". . . meditation as communication between the Lover and the one beloved."
". . . resting in him whom we have found, who loves us, who is near to us, who comes to us to draw us to himself."
"But the desire to meditate, and the grace to begin meditating, should be taken as an implicit promise of further graces."
"God created us with an imagination, and as Lord of his creation he can and does redeem it and use it for the work of the kingdom of God."
"Smell the sea. hear the lap of water along the shore. See the crowd. Feel the sun on your head and the hunger in your stomach. Taste the salt in the air. Touch the hem of his garment."
"Our task is not so much to study the passage as it is to be initiated into the reality of which the passage speaks."
"Rather than dissecting peace we are entering into it."
"To pray is to change. Prayer is the central avenue God uses to transform us. If we are unwilling to change, we will abandon prayer as a noticeable characteristic of our lives."
"We begin to think God's thoughts after him: to desire the things he desires, to love the things he loves, to will the things he wills."
"David's desire for God broke the self-indulgent chains of sleep. . ."
"I love to be alone in my cottage, where I can spend much time in prayer. I set apart this day for secret fasting and prayer to God."
". . . we are committed to letting go of our will whenever it conflicts with the will and way of God."
"We begin praying for others by first quieting our fleshly activity and listening to the silent thunder of the Lord of hosts."
"Frequently our lack is not faith but compassion."
"Nor are we trying to manipulate God and tell him what to do. . . Our prayer is to be like a reflex action to God's prior initiative upon the heart."
"Your own children can and should be changed through your prayers. Pray for them in the daytime with their participation; pray for them at night when they are asleep. One delightful approach is to go into the bedroom and lightly place your hands on the sleeping child. Ask Christ to flow through your hands healing every emotional trauma and hurt feeling your child experienced that day."
"I want a life of greater, deeper, truer prayer."
- Richard Foster
"Joy is the keynote of all the Disciplines."
"The primary requirement is a longing after God."
"When we genuinely believe that inner transformation is God's work and not ours, we can put to rest our passion to set others straight."
"Our world is hungry for genuinely changed people."
"Christian meditation, very simply, is the ability to hear God's voice and obey his word."
"But God continued to reach out to his rebellious children, and in stories of such persons as Cain, Abel, Noah, and Abraham we see God speaking and acting, teaching and guiding."
"He declared that he was the good Shepherd and that his sheep know his voice (John 10:4)."
"He is resurrected and at work in our world. He is not idle, nor has he developed laryngitis."
"Eastern meditation is an attempt to empty the mind; Christian meditation is an attempt to fill the mind."
"But there is a danger in thinking only in terms of detachment as Jesus indicates in his story of the man who had been emptied of evil but not filled with good. 'When the unclean spirit has gone out of a man . . . he goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than the himself, and they enter and dwell there; and the last state of that man becomes worse than the first' (Luke 11:24-26). No, detachment is not enough; we must go on to attachment."
"Meditation has no point and no reality unless it is firmly rooted in life."
". . . meditation as communication between the Lover and the one beloved."
". . . resting in him whom we have found, who loves us, who is near to us, who comes to us to draw us to himself."
"But the desire to meditate, and the grace to begin meditating, should be taken as an implicit promise of further graces."
"God created us with an imagination, and as Lord of his creation he can and does redeem it and use it for the work of the kingdom of God."
"Smell the sea. hear the lap of water along the shore. See the crowd. Feel the sun on your head and the hunger in your stomach. Taste the salt in the air. Touch the hem of his garment."
"Our task is not so much to study the passage as it is to be initiated into the reality of which the passage speaks."
"Rather than dissecting peace we are entering into it."
"To pray is to change. Prayer is the central avenue God uses to transform us. If we are unwilling to change, we will abandon prayer as a noticeable characteristic of our lives."
"We begin to think God's thoughts after him: to desire the things he desires, to love the things he loves, to will the things he wills."
"David's desire for God broke the self-indulgent chains of sleep. . ."
"I love to be alone in my cottage, where I can spend much time in prayer. I set apart this day for secret fasting and prayer to God."
". . . we are committed to letting go of our will whenever it conflicts with the will and way of God."
"We begin praying for others by first quieting our fleshly activity and listening to the silent thunder of the Lord of hosts."
"Frequently our lack is not faith but compassion."
"Nor are we trying to manipulate God and tell him what to do. . . Our prayer is to be like a reflex action to God's prior initiative upon the heart."
"Your own children can and should be changed through your prayers. Pray for them in the daytime with their participation; pray for them at night when they are asleep. One delightful approach is to go into the bedroom and lightly place your hands on the sleeping child. Ask Christ to flow through your hands healing every emotional trauma and hurt feeling your child experienced that day."
"I want a life of greater, deeper, truer prayer."
- Richard Foster
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
REMEMBER.
So.
Letting go. Small phrase - huge concept.
I guess this started with the "palms up palms down" meditation thing I spoke of last blog. It really got me thinking about what I need to release in my life and the things that I thought I had released but were actually still present in my heart.
I went to this worship night (ish) thing that the Lord put on Aaron Chen's heart about a week ago. There were 3 words that the Lord spoke to Aaron about the night: Pray. Worship. Wait. He then spoke the meaning of the word wait. He said that it meant to remain. Hmm. Remain. That word creates such a different picture in my mind. Wait seems more passive; it seems frustrating and hard; it sounds like a desert. To remain is active; it is perhaps hard, but there is evidence of grace in the middle of it. There is this positive connotation attached with it that seems almost like it is an end in itself - rather that "waiting" for another end.
Maybe that's what I'm trying to say... when you "wait" you are always looking around the corner for the thing you're waiting for. To remain is to dwell in the presence of Something. So rather than waiting for a job and husband and family and children and this huge plan for my life that is somewhere in the vague "future;" I remain in Christ. I pursue Him. I dwell in His presence. To be on mission - wholly devoted to knowing the Lord and making Him known.
Those are very different.
I think there are way more idols in my heart than I would ever care to admit. Things that I put above God. Things that I pursue instead of God. Things that I desire more than God.
I don't think releasing something is a one time process either. I think it is something to be done daily. During this daily process I want to remember.
Psalm 42 has really been on my heart lately. It means something so different to me now than it used to. I see it now as a cry from a man in a storm pleading with himself to remember the goodness of the Lord. He is recalling who the Lord is, the power of the Lord that he has seen and experienced, and how the Lord intentionally commands His everlasting love.
"REMEMBER!!!!! REMEMBER!!! I KNOW HE IS GOOD. I KNOW THAT HE LOVES. I KNOW THAT HE CALLS ME TO HIMSELF. REMEMBER!!!"
I want to speak this to myself daily. I want to meditate on the sweetness of the Lord and His power in and through my life. I want Him to be the most important and active part of my thoughts and my actions.
Also, about psalm 42: The phrase "Deep calls to deep" has been made new to me. I used to see it as the deepness of the Lord calling to the deepness of me. Like Spirt calling to spirit. Or even the deepness of one person calling to the deepness of another person. Pursuing deep relationships with honesty and whatnot. Not that this interpretation is wrong or irrelevant, but the Lord has revealed something new. I now see it as incredibly aggressive love and calling. The Lord is Deep. So to paint a picture: The depth of the ocean is Jesus and He calls me to join Him in Himself. So essentially the "deep" in this verse is one unit. A calling B to A. A being the active agent, Jesus, and B being a person.
And then to go on in the verse it says,
[7] Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
[8] By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
(Psalm 42:7-8 ESV)
Roar. How aggressive is that word?? The Lord calls me to Himself in a way that roars and consumes me like a waterfall. Violent. Breakers and waves crashing over me to remind me of how good the Lord is. How present He is during trials. How His grace is more than I can even stand. And then it goes even further.... He actively commands His love that doesn't change or end. It is steadfast. I imagine Him speaking His love over me while I'm going through my day and singing it over me as I sleep. This is the God of my life. I am overwhelmed by what this verse speaks of the Lord.
(I just got real excited and vomited all my thoughts right there.... yeah.)
--funny story--
I was in ballet yesterday (cause I'm in ballet every day), and my teacher was telling us how important it was to balance at the barre. Normally I/ we hold onto the barre like it will save our lives instead of getting on our leg right away and letting go of the barre immediately. She came around and yelled, "Let go! Just do it!" I giggled to myself cause I heard the Lord speaking through her. Imagine that... Jesus talking to me in ballet class about idols I have in my heart. He would...
---end of funny story---
Nothing profound.
This is just what I'm learning.
I need His grace and I'm overwhelmed by His love. Soak in that.
Letting go. Small phrase - huge concept.
I guess this started with the "palms up palms down" meditation thing I spoke of last blog. It really got me thinking about what I need to release in my life and the things that I thought I had released but were actually still present in my heart.
I went to this worship night (ish) thing that the Lord put on Aaron Chen's heart about a week ago. There were 3 words that the Lord spoke to Aaron about the night: Pray. Worship. Wait. He then spoke the meaning of the word wait. He said that it meant to remain. Hmm. Remain. That word creates such a different picture in my mind. Wait seems more passive; it seems frustrating and hard; it sounds like a desert. To remain is active; it is perhaps hard, but there is evidence of grace in the middle of it. There is this positive connotation attached with it that seems almost like it is an end in itself - rather that "waiting" for another end.
Maybe that's what I'm trying to say... when you "wait" you are always looking around the corner for the thing you're waiting for. To remain is to dwell in the presence of Something. So rather than waiting for a job and husband and family and children and this huge plan for my life that is somewhere in the vague "future;" I remain in Christ. I pursue Him. I dwell in His presence. To be on mission - wholly devoted to knowing the Lord and making Him known.
Those are very different.
I think there are way more idols in my heart than I would ever care to admit. Things that I put above God. Things that I pursue instead of God. Things that I desire more than God.
I don't think releasing something is a one time process either. I think it is something to be done daily. During this daily process I want to remember.
Psalm 42 has really been on my heart lately. It means something so different to me now than it used to. I see it now as a cry from a man in a storm pleading with himself to remember the goodness of the Lord. He is recalling who the Lord is, the power of the Lord that he has seen and experienced, and how the Lord intentionally commands His everlasting love.
"REMEMBER!!!!! REMEMBER!!! I KNOW HE IS GOOD. I KNOW THAT HE LOVES. I KNOW THAT HE CALLS ME TO HIMSELF. REMEMBER!!!"
I want to speak this to myself daily. I want to meditate on the sweetness of the Lord and His power in and through my life. I want Him to be the most important and active part of my thoughts and my actions.
Also, about psalm 42: The phrase "Deep calls to deep" has been made new to me. I used to see it as the deepness of the Lord calling to the deepness of me. Like Spirt calling to spirit. Or even the deepness of one person calling to the deepness of another person. Pursuing deep relationships with honesty and whatnot. Not that this interpretation is wrong or irrelevant, but the Lord has revealed something new. I now see it as incredibly aggressive love and calling. The Lord is Deep. So to paint a picture: The depth of the ocean is Jesus and He calls me to join Him in Himself. So essentially the "deep" in this verse is one unit. A calling B to A. A being the active agent, Jesus, and B being a person.
And then to go on in the verse it says,
[7] Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
[8] By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
(Psalm 42:7-8 ESV)
Roar. How aggressive is that word?? The Lord calls me to Himself in a way that roars and consumes me like a waterfall. Violent. Breakers and waves crashing over me to remind me of how good the Lord is. How present He is during trials. How His grace is more than I can even stand. And then it goes even further.... He actively commands His love that doesn't change or end. It is steadfast. I imagine Him speaking His love over me while I'm going through my day and singing it over me as I sleep. This is the God of my life. I am overwhelmed by what this verse speaks of the Lord.
(I just got real excited and vomited all my thoughts right there.... yeah.)
--funny story--
I was in ballet yesterday (cause I'm in ballet every day), and my teacher was telling us how important it was to balance at the barre. Normally I/ we hold onto the barre like it will save our lives instead of getting on our leg right away and letting go of the barre immediately. She came around and yelled, "Let go! Just do it!" I giggled to myself cause I heard the Lord speaking through her. Imagine that... Jesus talking to me in ballet class about idols I have in my heart. He would...
---end of funny story---
Nothing profound.
This is just what I'm learning.
I need His grace and I'm overwhelmed by His love. Soak in that.
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