This was my heart two years ago, a few (difficult) months after I found out that my parents were getting divorced and they weren't who I thought they were. Though nobody really is, I guess.
"when i think of Your grace, it astounds me. i don't understand how i could be so lucky. why are You choosing to bloom something beautiful from the shattered pieces of my life? Lord, You don't make sense to me, but perhaps that's one reason why I love You so much. I don't understand Your ways because they are so much higher than my own. but I praise You for it!!"
"You are worthy of all my praise. and i will praise You as long as I have breath, and when my body and life are redeemed, oh the praise will be redeemed as well. You will finally receive what You deserve from this fallen race. I long for that day. Sometimes i feel like i can taste it. sometimes when I read Your Word it's so beautiful coming through my lips that i want them to go back in just so i can feel them inside of me. i'm jealous that the air gets to hold them."
Currently I'm reading the book, Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster, and the first chapter is on meditation.
When I moved to Jackson a few months ago I was having a pretty rough time with "college life" and whatnot. I've never been a part of any sort of college scene and I didn't really know what to expect. I wrote to my friend about my heart and struggles and she sent me a passage in Jeremiah. She sent me most of chapter 15, but the Lord highlighted one verse in my heart.
"Your words were found, and I ate them, and your words became to me a joy and the delight of my heart, for I am called by your name, O LORD, God of hosts." Jeremiah 15:16
This is my heart right now, and from the looks of it, it has been my heart for a few years. I've always been really drawn towards this idea of eating words or tasting the goodness of the Lord. Maybe this is connected to my love of great food, that would make sense. (not all dancers have the will power to not eat..). I think it has to do with having something intangible become tangible. God gave us our 5 senses for His glory and our joy. He gave us a mind and an imagination for the same reason. These can all be distorted and used to please the flesh, but that isn't their purpose or the intent behind which they were created.
The reason I love the taste of good food is so that I see Jesus in it and give Him glory for it.
The reason I see beauty in the sky is so that I see Jesus in it and give Him glory for it.
The reason I get goosebumps and my skin tingles from feeling someone's skin on my own is so that I see Jesus in it and give Him glory for it.
The reason my heart stirs and my body reacts to beautiful music is so that I see Jesus in it and give Him glory for it.
The reason I become joyful at the smell of flowers, blackberry pie, or my grandmother's perfume is so that I see Jesus in it and give Him glory for it.
How good is our God that He would reveal Himself in so many ways?
So like I said before, I just finished reading about meditation. Not traditional eastern meditation, but Christian meditation that came from the east (Christianity is not a Western religion.. but that's another post for another time).
Foster in his book really convicted me about the way I read scripture. What usually happens is I get so excited that I just keep reading and reading and reading and forget to sit and dwell on one part and actually understand the depth of what it means. I really enjoy studying and finding out details about the bible, and there is a time for that (a time that most people never get to) but there is also a time for sitting and dwelling. Using our imagination to dwell on the Lord and His word is not a bad thing. IT IS A GREAT THING! Not that we sit there and create ridiculous stories (or maybe we do....) but that we sit there and actually picture
"Your words were found, and I ate them"
"and your words BECAME to me a joy"
"and the delight of my heart"
"for I am called by your name, O Lord, God of hosts"
How different is that verse now? How many levels are there in that one sentence? What about Jeremiah? Where was he in his struggle when he spoke these? He was called to preach to a people that would not listen, and that was God's plan. Yet this is what Jeremiah says.
What a beautiful process.
I imagine "your words were found" to be like the time when the Lord opened your eyes for the first time. When He saved you and you fell in love without reason or explanation. He unveiled your heart to see Him and lavished His grace upon you so that you might know Him and the power of His resurrection. This was His work and now His words are found. From this comes obedience. "I ate them." I am an active agent in this process. My hunger is from the Lord and the picking up, putting in my mouth, chewing, and swallowing is me. I get to do this, all the while praying for the Lord to digest it within me so that I might grow from it's nutrients. It is the Lord who causes growth. More than just thinking about these words, I imagine myself walking them out. I imagine myself with the Lord and how dependent I am upon Him for everything. My heart swells with thankfulness and humility and I begin to see Him for a little bit more of who He really is and not just who I've made Him to be. Only by His grace can I see myself for who I am and Him for who He is.
From this digestion that comes from the Lord, I begin to see fruit. Maybe not right away, but soon it will "become to me a joy and the delight of my heart." I see this also as a promise. That in this process that is perhaps a little broken and uncomfortable, I can stand on the knowledge that His word WILL BE AND IS a joy and the delight of my heart. So I press in. I continue to eat and pray. He is always faithful to complete what He started. Always.
I belong to the Lord.
I am His.
Forever.
I can never be lost or replaced.
He has called me.
The Lord, the God of hosts has called me.
I am His.
I am His.
Always.
Sealed with the Spirit.
Adopted.
Adored.
Loved deeper than humanly imaginable.
---- All because He is good. Not because I am good.
So I go back to my words from two years ago and they still ring true in my heart.
"when i think of Your grace, it astounds me. i don't understand how i could be so lucky. why are You choosing to bloom something beautiful from the shattered pieces of my life? Lord, You don't make sense to me, but perhaps that's one reason why I love You so much. I don't understand Your ways because they are so much higher than my own. but I praise You for it!!"
"You are worthy of all my praise. and i will praise You as long as I have breath, and when my body and life are redeemed, oh the praise will be redeemed as well. You will finally receive what You deserve from this fallen race. I long for that day. Sometimes i feel like i can taste it. sometimes when I read Your Word it's so beautiful coming through my lips that i want them to go back in just so i can feel them inside of me. i'm jealous that the air gets to hold them."
He is my joy. He is the delight of my heart.
Lord, be honored with my worship, be honored with my words and conversations. Let my affections never terminate on transient things but let them terminate on you. Continue to put a hunger in my heart for your word. Help me to sit and dwell on who you are and not just skim over things. Deep calls to deep and I always want to pursue this. I want to know you, Jesus. You make all things new. You are always good. You are my bridegroom and I wait with anticipation for our final union. Continue to wash me with the water of your word to make me spotless for that day when I see you coming through the clouds. Be present in every part of my life. I'm not here to be a superstar, I'm here know you and make you known. Use me for your glory, Lord. Thank you for adopting me and making me your daughter, your bride. With all the capacity for love that I currently possess, I love you.
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