A Painful Sense of Urgency

I had a moment tonight. One of those moments you don't forget. One of those moments where you feel and see and taste the presence of the Lord. A tangible moment with a currently intangible God.
A gift. Grace. Nothing else.

It started with a moment of sin yesterday. It was put in my face and I had a very real conversation with myself/ the Lord about it. "Yes, Jesus I want you more than anything, but I don't see how doing this goes against that. Why can't I have you and this thing? If I say yes to this, I know that I'm saying you aren't ultimate in my life, but it doesn't feel like that's what I'm saying." And so on it went, eventually ending with my failure. I thought to myself, if I would choose this even while being fully aware and conscious of my decision... there must not be any hope for me. Grace has been abused. How can I plead with the Lord for forgiveness when I knowingly and willingly pursued something not pleasing to Him in front of His face? I made a mockery of my Lord and now I want forgiveness? Who's to say that I won't do this again? Make the same conscious decision to please myself instead of pleasing the Lord...
I was in such a funk after that. I didn't feel a whole lot cause I wasn't "worthy of weeping and asking for forgiveness" or whatever that means. So I continued to exist. Trying to forget about it and just get past it in the hopes that I wouldn't do it again - or would make the right decision next time. (All the while secretly praying that I would feel the weight of my sin so that I might have reason to choose Christ next time).

And then today for no reason at all, or perhaps every reason in the universe, the Lord gave me Himself like a waterfall of crashing grace. Undeserved. Unmerited. Favor of the Lord. His mercy overtook me and left me void of all words that could describe it.
This started in ballet class this afternoon. (I know, I know... more ballet. It's where I spend most of my time these days, so bear with me.) I was in class with my V-neck leotard on (and yes, this makes a difference) and I decided that I didn't want to waste a single second of class. I pushed myself to think about all of the corrections I'd been given this semester and try to apply them in my body. I was sweating by the first combination. Score. By the end of class I was drenched and it felt so wonderful - I had this urgency to actually be good in Ballet. Something I haven't really wanted before because I knew it wasn't possible for my body (or something like that). Then I asked my teacher if I could take her class right before mine every once in a while so I could take 2 in row. I thought, if I could take a ballet class right after this one, I'd be warm and on my leg and ready to really apply everything I'm learning. If you know me at all... this is a pretty crazy thought knowing that I already take ballet 5 days a week. When I asked her this she simply said, "yes" with a look on her face like she expected the question from me. Or hoped I would ask. Not a cheesy smile by any means... just a look. Very simple. It was encouraging.

Then I had a note on our dance board saying I had something in the office that I needed to pick up. I was naturally confused and started thinking about all the things I could have possibly left behind that had my name attached. Nothing came to mind. It was a bag and for fear of it being some random embarrassing clothing item I waited to check till I was not in front of the guy who gave it to me. So I walk outside and it was sprinkling. Little bits of rain hitting my face and my body. I felt the eternal goodness of Jesus in that rain. Silly as it might be.
So I go home with a glad heart not even thinking about my sin of the day before. I open the bag and there are 3 Belhaven approved leotards in there!!! They all fit. Seriously?? I got so giddy about how the Lord was showing Himself to me that I couldn't help but smile and sing and enjoy my dinner break before class.

So I get ready and get in my car for my Old Testament night class and the song, How Great is Our God pops in my head. (The sky after a thunderstorm is so so so beautiful. Saw this as I left my house.) I have this really long playlist of live recordings of worship songs from The Village and I really love listening to them. It connects me to not only to the Lord but also to my Dallas Family that I'm in love with.
When I hit play I secretly thought, Jesus... it'd be really cool if this song was first. I turn it on and no, it wasn't first. But... it was second. :] So I sang as loudly as I could and didn't get out of my car till the song was over. Walking to class I just kept singing it and singing it. The Lord was preparing my heart for this evening.

Nothing epic happened in Old Testament. It was a normal 3 hour lecture class. Long.

On the way home I was expecting. I hit play and the next song was "So High" by Jeff Johnson. I pulled into my apartment and again I just sat. The words of that song hit me so hard. I played it at least 4 times before letting the playlist continue on. I began to weep. Almost uncontrollably. I didn't want to go inside because I thought that if I went inside I was leaving this intimacy I was experiencing with the Lord. So I just wept and asked Him if I could stay for a while. (Maybe a silly question, but I needed to hear Him answer. I needed to know how much He wanted to meet with me. I knew.) He said yes, Daughter, be with Me. So I stayed. The Lord was mighty and intimate and loving and active and vocal and pictorial and consuming and purging and more things than I could ever give words to. These lyrics were written on my heart.

Hear my spirit groan in me
A painful sense of urgency
To tell You that You are to me
So High


(Oh, these are just words. And are not enough, to contain You. Oh, these are just words. And are not enough, to acclaim You. Father, just words. And I have so few. I run out too fast, to speak them to you. You are indescribable, You are beyond expression. I run out of words for you. I can't think that high.)

I say all these things because these are the only words I have. I can build up to this moment and I can give you background for what my heart was going through to ready me, but you weren't there. And I can't explain it. It was intimacy between the Lord and I - and I'm okay that it stays that way. Matt Chandler quoted someone years back (I need to look up who it was that said this - if you know, feel free to tell me.) This man said that he experienced such intimate moments with the Lord that he was ashamed to speak of them. That was tonight. It was the fulfillment or climax of so many things that I've been praying for (or praying for a desire for). He is good. My heart knows this very well.

Press in. He's worth it.