REMEMBER.

So.
Letting go. Small phrase - huge concept.


I guess this started with the "palms up palms down" meditation thing I spoke of last blog. It really got me thinking about what I need to release in my life and the things that I thought I had released but were actually still present in my heart.
I went to this worship night (ish) thing that the Lord put on Aaron Chen's heart about a week ago. There were 3 words that the Lord spoke to Aaron about the night: Pray. Worship. Wait. He then spoke the meaning of the word wait. He said that it meant to remain. Hmm. Remain. That word creates such a different picture in my mind. Wait seems more passive; it seems frustrating and hard; it sounds like a desert. To remain is active; it is perhaps hard, but there is evidence of grace in the middle of it. There is this positive connotation attached with it that seems almost like it is an end in itself - rather that "waiting" for another end.
Maybe that's what I'm trying to say... when you "wait" you are always looking around the corner for the thing you're waiting for. To remain is to dwell in the presence of Something. So rather than waiting for a job and husband and family and children and this huge plan for my life that is somewhere in the vague "future;" I remain in Christ. I pursue Him. I dwell in His presence. To be on mission - wholly devoted to knowing the Lord and making Him known.
Those are very different.


I think there are way more idols in my heart than I would ever care to admit. Things that I put above God. Things that I pursue instead of God. Things that I desire more than God.


I don't think releasing something is a one time process either. I think it is something to be done daily. During this daily process I want to remember.


Psalm 42 has really been on my heart lately. It means something so different to me now than it used to. I see it now as a cry from a man in a storm pleading with himself to remember the goodness of the Lord. He is recalling who the Lord is, the power of the Lord that he has seen and experienced, and how the Lord intentionally commands His everlasting love.


"REMEMBER!!!!! REMEMBER!!! I KNOW HE IS GOOD. I KNOW THAT HE LOVES. I KNOW THAT HE CALLS ME TO HIMSELF. REMEMBER!!!"


I want to speak this to myself daily. I want to meditate on the sweetness of the Lord and His power in and through my life. I want Him to be the most important and active part of my thoughts and my actions.


Also, about psalm 42: The phrase "Deep calls to deep" has been made new to me. I used to see it as the deepness of the Lord calling to the deepness of me. Like Spirt calling to spirit. Or even the deepness of one person calling to the deepness of another person. Pursuing deep relationships with honesty and whatnot. Not that this interpretation is wrong or irrelevant, but the Lord has revealed something new. I now see it as incredibly aggressive love and calling. The Lord is Deep. So to paint a picture: The depth of the ocean is Jesus and He calls me to join Him in Himself. So essentially the "deep" in this verse is one unit. A calling B to A. A being the active agent, Jesus, and B being a person.
And then to go on in the verse it says,


[7] Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
  [8] By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
 (Psalm 42:7-8 ESV)


Roar. How aggressive is that word?? The Lord calls me to Himself in a way that roars and consumes me like a waterfall. Violent. Breakers and waves crashing over me to remind me of how good the Lord is. How present He is during trials. How His grace is more than I can even stand. And then it goes even further.... He actively commands His love that doesn't change or end. It is steadfast. I imagine Him speaking His love over me while I'm going through my day and singing it over me as I sleep. This is the God of my life. I am overwhelmed by what this verse speaks of the Lord.


(I just got real excited and vomited all my thoughts right there.... yeah.)




--funny story--
I was in ballet yesterday (cause I'm in ballet every day), and my teacher was telling us how important it was to balance at the barre. Normally I/ we hold onto the barre like it will save our lives instead of getting on our leg right away and letting go of the barre immediately. She came around and yelled, "Let go! Just do it!" I giggled to myself cause I heard the Lord speaking through her. Imagine that... Jesus talking to me in ballet class about idols I have in my heart. He would...
---end of funny story---


Nothing profound.
This is just what I'm learning.


I need His grace and I'm overwhelmed by His love. Soak in that.