Rain

Journal entry from an evening in Germany:

5 June 2011

Rain.
Today I went to "play in the rain." I ended up next to a pond in this little park around the corner from the Byers' place. I sat down and watched the drops splash while the ducks seemed not to be bothered by the water above them, but only concerned with the water below. I laid back for a moment in an effort to feel the rain on my face. This is what I noticed and what the Lord brought meaning to:

As much as I wanted to stay laying on my back it turned out to be less comfortable than I had imagined. With every drop that hit my eyelids I jumped; I breathed water into my nose a time or two. Needless to say, I ended up sitting back up slightly frustrated that I couldn't bask in the rain like I could in the sun or under the stars on a roof. As I sat up I began to notice that the water that hit my head ran down my face in little squiggles. Seeing and breathing were easy and I still got to enjoy the shower of rain.

    [side note: I've noticed that when one tries to get out of the rain it seems to blur all vision and frustrate plans or pathways. However, when allowing oneself to surrender to the inevitability of wetness under the rain, the fog seems to lift and everything can be seen with a clarity unmatched even by the rays of our sun. Although the rain brings with it a rushing sound, everything else seems to stop and listen bringing a silence that stirs my soul. This quiet surrender has me sitting in awe and following suit.]

I saw the fireworks splashing on top of the water in rhythm with the created universe and with it life was being renewed. I think all of this relates to our relationship with God in so many ways. God rains down His grace, and consequently His glory, onto us for no other reason than because He is good.
He loves us because He is good.
He saves us because He is good.
He changes us into His Son's image because He is good.
And while He has given us a (good) desire to just lay back and gaze at the Source, we are currently lacking the ability to open our eyes and gaze on His face. That time is coming, and coming soon - but it's not now. So instead He has us look forward and He allows His grace to wash over our head and body while we view all that He is doing in front of us. He allows us to see all that He is affecting with His "rain" and lets us be a part of His redemptive plan on this earth. The clarity that the rain demands pierces the soul and eyes are opened to all the life and beauty that the Lord is "holding together by the power of His word." All of creation stands still and gladly accepts this rain, this life, this gift of God's presence.

So I just sat and saw and worshiped the Almighty. What a gift.

I need Thee every hour.

Here I am. 
Writing. 
I usually (meaning always) just write what is on my heart. I write what I'm learning and what I'm excited about. When I'm excited about something, it's not uncommon for almost everyone who is close to me to have heard about it. I tend to word vomit my excitement on others thinking that they will either a) be just as excited as me (because come on... who wouldn't be?) or b) at least be excited that I'm excited, because they love me (right?). 
I haven't written much lately. 
I haven't had a whole lot to say. 
This is my honesty. I try to hide as little as possible from the people I love. I've had a lot hidden from me (good intentions are always married to things hidden) and I think I still hold resentment because of it. I'm working on it... My heart that is. I'm finding out more and more just how screwed up I am. 
I hold bitterness towards people instead of forgiveness. (those words are plural - in case you missed that)
I don't trust the Lord with a plethora of things in my life. 
There are things I cannot have that I want so badly I make myself hurt. (nobody freak out. The only scars I've got are from my appendix and when I cracked my head open)
I complain about being in a funk spiritually and then sit on my computer and watch Modern Family (which is hilarious by the way). 
I go to worship nights and pray that I would feel His presence. I pray that He would show Himself to me. I pray that He would break me of myself that I might know Him.... and yet I feel nothing. 
I read scripture and books about scripture and don't feel changed. 
I want to want Jesus. 
I don't really know how to fix that other than to pray for it. 
So I'll continue to do that. 


I'm selfish and impatient and knowing that about yourself sometimes makes it worse. 
I have a fear of man that consumes my thoughts far too often. 
I'm far too sensitive and extremely prideful. 


Yet even in spite of all these things - I know Jesus is pursuing my heart. He doesn't love me any more or any less today than the day He saved me. He doesn't love me less today than He did when I was on the top of the mountain shouting to the world of His glory, or in my car weeping because of His grace. He won't love me any more or less ten years from now when I'm dealing with an entire different (or maybe the exact same) set of problems.
Even typing that is humbling for I know I don't deserve His affection. 


I'm feeling pretty dry and numb tonight which is perhaps influencing my perception of these last few months. It hasn't all been this way. And because this post has been such a downer, I'll leave you with some encouragement. 


Something the Lord HAS been teaching me is found in Ex. 14:14-15.
"The Lord will fight for you, you have only to be silent. Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why do you cry to Me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward.'"
Then the Lord parted the Red Sea and all of Israel was saved from the hands of the Egyptians. 


So.... how does this apply to me/us/everyone? More than I ever thought. 
The first verse is comforting; it's something to stand on when you are afraid or feel the tension of being transient. The second verse tests how much you believe the first. It calls you out on your lack of faith in who the Lord says He is. I say I believe that the Creator of Heaven and Earth, the Maker and Sustainer of everything that is, actually is who He claims to be - but do I really? If I did, wouldn't I "go forward" and trust that even though I am one against a thousand, it's not me that's fighting? He said He would take care of that for me- so why then do I still fear the thousand? Is not my God stronger than thousands of a thousand? 


The Lord has used those two verses this semester to create obedience in my heart and my actions. They force me to check my heart and see what I really believe. They force me to loose my grip on what I claim as my own and recognize the falsehood of that statement. These are good things. 


I am thankful to go through times like this because they show me how much I need Jesus. I need Him more than I will ever know this side of Heaven. 
I need a lot of prayer and most of the time I'm too prideful to ask for it. That, or I don't want to burden people with my junk - which is a form of pride, I guess. So the first statement stands. 
It's a lot easier to write about it than to look someone in the eye and say all these things. 


I'm sorry if this isn't very encouraging to read, but I don't want to just write about the good stuff. That isn't life. Today I write what's real: The Lord is (always) good. I desperately need Him. 




I end with a prayer by A.W. Tozer that captures my heart:


"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long."