Here I am.
Writing.
I usually (meaning always) just write what is on my heart. I write what I'm learning and what I'm excited about. When I'm excited about something, it's not uncommon for almost everyone who is close to me to have heard about it. I tend to word vomit my excitement on others thinking that they will either a) be just as excited as me (because come on... who wouldn't be?) or b) at least be excited that I'm excited, because they love me (right?).
I haven't written much lately.
I haven't had a whole lot to say.
This is my honesty. I try to hide as little as possible from the people I love. I've had a lot hidden from me (good intentions are always married to things hidden) and I think I still hold resentment because of it. I'm working on it... My heart that is. I'm finding out more and more just how screwed up I am.
I hold bitterness towards people instead of forgiveness. (those words are plural - in case you missed that)
I don't trust the Lord with a plethora of things in my life.
There are things I cannot have that I want so badly I make myself hurt. (nobody freak out. The only scars I've got are from my appendix and when I cracked my head open)
I complain about being in a funk spiritually and then sit on my computer and watch Modern Family (which is hilarious by the way).
I go to worship nights and pray that I would feel His presence. I pray that He would show Himself to me. I pray that He would break me of myself that I might know Him.... and yet I feel nothing.
I read scripture and books about scripture and don't feel changed.
I want to want Jesus.
I don't really know how to fix that other than to pray for it.
So I'll continue to do that.
I'm selfish and impatient and knowing that about yourself sometimes makes it worse.
I have a fear of man that consumes my thoughts far too often.
I'm far too sensitive and extremely prideful.
Yet even in spite of all these things - I know Jesus is pursuing my heart. He doesn't love me any more or any less today than the day He saved me. He doesn't love me less today than He did when I was on the top of the mountain shouting to the world of His glory, or in my car weeping because of His grace. He won't love me any more or less ten years from now when I'm dealing with an entire different (or maybe the exact same) set of problems.
Even typing that is humbling for I know I don't deserve His affection.
I'm feeling pretty dry and numb tonight which is perhaps influencing my perception of these last few months. It hasn't all been this way. And because this post has been such a downer, I'll leave you with some encouragement.
Something the Lord HAS been teaching me is found in Ex. 14:14-15.
"The Lord will fight for you, you have only to be silent. Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why do you cry to Me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward.'"
Then the Lord parted the Red Sea and all of Israel was saved from the hands of the Egyptians.
So.... how does this apply to me/us/everyone? More than I ever thought.
The first verse is comforting; it's something to stand on when you are afraid or feel the tension of being transient. The second verse tests how much you believe the first. It calls you out on your lack of faith in who the Lord says He is. I say I believe that the Creator of Heaven and Earth, the Maker and Sustainer of everything that is, actually is who He claims to be - but do I really? If I did, wouldn't I "go forward" and trust that even though I am one against a thousand, it's not me that's fighting? He said He would take care of that for me- so why then do I still fear the thousand? Is not my God stronger than thousands of a thousand?
The Lord has used those two verses this semester to create obedience in my heart and my actions. They force me to check my heart and see what I really believe. They force me to loose my grip on what I claim as my own and recognize the falsehood of that statement. These are good things.
I am thankful to go through times like this because they show me how much I need Jesus. I need Him more than I will ever know this side of Heaven.
I need a lot of prayer and most of the time I'm too prideful to ask for it. That, or I don't want to burden people with my junk - which is a form of pride, I guess. So the first statement stands.
It's a lot easier to write about it than to look someone in the eye and say all these things.
I'm sorry if this isn't very encouraging to read, but I don't want to just write about the good stuff. That isn't life. Today I write what's real: The Lord is (always) good. I desperately need Him.
I end with a prayer by A.W. Tozer that captures my heart:
"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that so I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.' Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long."
